Cathy's Blog

Monday, Monday

Woke up feeling like it was the weekend still.

Beautiful weather.  A bit cool but very nice.  Going up to the low 70s and not humid today.

Worked out at Curves anything that didn't hurt.  It was a good thing to do.  I feel less cranky and "flat."

I'm not up to going on any driving spree, yet.  The steering on the Subaru is "hard" for lack of a better word.  One handed - left handed is tough.

Feeling better everyday. 

One last errand today - the surgeon who is a breast expert.  Why did I think she was just a breast expert?  I noticed "surgeon" when I was completing the patient info forms.  I have to bring my DVD films with me.  I'm really not crazy about this - too many cooks and the last thing I want is invasive.

I got lost

Today, my daughter's live-in significant other Brian called.  He asked if I could bring their extra set of house keys to him.  My right wrist is still painful, but I gambled I could be careful and handle a fifteen minute drive.  My wrist/thumb brace is more for protection of the wrist/thumb now.  Plain tylenol - no Percocet, today.

Well, it took me longer driving left handed because I made a turn instead of going straight and in the wrong development.  And this is more suburban-rural than suburban.  Thank goodness, because of my lost adventures and disorientation, I keep the G.P.S. in my glove compartment.  It helped get me out of the unfamiliar maze.

Despite the G.P.S. help, my worry about my memory, again, upset me.

I haven't driven to Carolyn's house in a long time.  Ed drove the last time to take their garbage cans and mail in the house.  Already, the terrain with the rising number of developments is visually disorienting me.  I got scared again, when Carolyn's address didn't pop up on the "Where to?" screen.  It didn't save, because the address was entered not driven.

It all worked out.  I got there because of the G.P.S. features when I pulled over.

Brian is a "mellow" temperament, a gentle giant ice hockey player, which balances Carolyn's somewhat sharp edged personality.  He was waiting in his car in the garage.  They have a security system which was complaining from inside their house, but not heard outside.  Their neighborhood is like mine, no one home. How long does it take a security system to call the police? 

Now, I wonder again if the last head tap on the wall of the garage was more than I realized.  Or the accumulation of the many concussions I've had in the past?

Will I get lost in Philadelphia, this November?  Will I get lost driving from the airport to my hometown?

Yes, I'm worried and my anxiety is going into overdrive.  Damn, I wasn't like this when I was 20 something. 

Before I left their development, I pulled over and tapped the "Where to?" screen to favorites "GO HOME."

And as you can read this post, you know I made it home.  Thanks for listening.  The first thing Ed would do would be to correct me on my driving error.  I don't need that right now.  God, Pat, this is when I wish I had a memory like yours.

Fallen (another movie title)

I've been posting a lot during the past week, to the questions and concerns of a dear friend after her husband of twenty-five-years married died. I try not to give my two-cents when it comes to family matters, but she has been mistreated and tortured during the past firestorm year plus. As a person and a nurse, I have learned and done my best not to pass judgment. Family matters have a way of resolving themselves. But words, even honest words meant to 'help.' may be held against you. My friend is very honest, direct and opinionated - but I also know and I've learned from her how deeply she is a loving, compassionate woman. As the old saying goes, she "...calls a spade ♠ a spade ♠...." Unfiltered honestly has got my Irish ars in trouble. And I heard the reference I've said many times bounces back at me from my children "But I was only being honest." In the (another cliché) "heat of the moment," some things are said that are usually forgiven, but sometimes not forgotten and bite you later (again and again.) I have a lot of family members like this, believe me. #1 my sister.

This is more pathetic than sad, *please laugh at this bizarre situation with my family*

I still have a potentially toxic situation with my sister and aunt coming when my father dies. He ain't going anywhere any time soon - although he is again, frequenting the ER for un-witnessed, subjective injury and sent back to his residence "No injury." Currently a frustrating point happening again and again on weekends and holidays.) Ah, dementia, the ability to forget and change a life. But that's a long, sad, boring story - it's another Daddy ("Mommy Dearest") story. It takes a lot of work and energy to let this go and live in the present. My sister won't. Her choice. It won't be the first time she boo-hoos her regrets and holds on to hate.

Which long story short, (another cliché) is my explanation.

Although I'm a nurse, I don't know if I wouldn't be haunted by my father/sub-conscious, donating his body to science would be the easiest solution for all, but my father had a big fixation and fear of his own death. I'll email the Georgetown information my friend posted to my brother. My brother, sister, and I all believe my father's death is not going to happen any time soon. Family history, not only of dementia, but longevity to the 90s. It would be a great opportunity for his brain (seriously) to be studied and contribute to science. He has the multi-infarct-brain syndrome, shrinking brain "progressive brain disease" diagnosed in 2007, dementia. My mother who had the Multi-brain-infarct syndrome and the symptoms of Alzheimers, Lewy Bodies syndrome, and other neurological possible diagnosis diagnosed and progressed between age 72 and 80, until her death. My sister and I also suspected cancer and CHF with her objective and subjective symptoms. We'll never know absolutely because, emotionally, it wasn't something we could do. It may have helped diagnostically with research. We were fortunate that the option wasn't given to my father - we were fortunate we were able to rearrange my mother's funeral from what my father had pre-paid and planned. Believe me cheap is a description (To quote my Aunt Mary, Uncle Bill and Uncle George "cheap bastard.") and it was true his life. He was aggreeable trying to reach out to my sister...another long boring story.

Well, enough of that. I think I'm going to preface this part of the blog with *please laugh with the bizarre issues of my family.*

I need to move on.

This morning about 5:30 a.m., after Ed was already gone for work, I began to have pain where the SCM muscle attaches to my right clavicle and extending to the rotator muscles. I had "clicking" issues with my shoulder which I could resolve with R.O.M. before my accident on Friday, May 25th. I argued with myself for a while about taking a Percocet for pain relief. I had not had any Percocet for 1 1/2 days. So, I compromised and went downstairs and administered a half-tablet to myself. It helped and I fell back to sleep (with interesting dreams). Unfortunately, the pain returned but again has subsided. Just how long are new aches and pains going to continue to surface? Everyday - more bruises - healing in progress - but other pain pops up. I can't drive still because of my right wrist/thumb debated whether to tough it out and wait or go to the doctor - which would have to wait until Ed is home. Waiting won. I say this, because I did not follow-up with my family doctor. The Urgent Care physician's discharge advised: "Follow up with your family doctor as needed." I cringe to hear the words - soft tissue injury - so I'm waiting it out. If it gets worse. I'll take a cab back to the Urgent Care and let them x-ray the shoulder and clavicle and hear "soft tissue injury" and do what I am doing -recovering with comfort measures.

The details of my accident are coming to me as "flashbacks" bits and pieces of visual images during the fall. Maybe the fuzzy feeling in my head was related to the thunk to the wall. Just what I need another head injury - I've lost count. My mantra has been I'm getting better and I'm going to continue it. Shoo! Negative energy! Shoo!

Waiting to Exhale

A lifetime passes too quickly

and then, it slows to minutes, seconds until death.

A moment that seems to last forever.

It's the moment dying ends.

Exhale.

The lover, the widow, family, friends, and the dreamers... all begin to breathe, again.

Your sorrow is acknowledged dear friend, you are in our thoughts and our hearts.

Do what you need to do - do what you need to do for yourself.

As we, too, exhale.

Pause

I woke up early this morning before the alarm.

I'm tired - feeling blurred. I had a 9 a.m. appointment scheduled with Marcie at Curves to set up the Curves Smart program which tracks your workouts with the circuit and areas for improvement.

Apparently, this appointment was set for yesterday. I don't know by who, because I was told it couldn't be done until Thursday. So it was schedule for the hour before the Zumba class at 10 a.m. I feel like I'm losing my mind when things like this happen. Is a mistake on my part possible? Yes, but not with the recall I have. I could re-quote the two women involved verbatim. I wouldn't have scheduled anything in the morning, unless I didn't have a choice. I am trying to stay motivated to continue the .

Zumba. Usually, I find the classes energizing, even though I have two left feet learning the routine. But this morning, after the Curves Smart set up was done (I didn't have to reschedule, "Marcie" did it in less than a half-hour between 9-9:30 a.m.) I just didn't feel right.

I felt tired - not like I had slept. Although Ed has been waking me up harsher to tell me I'm snoring, lately. I'll sleep in Charles' room tonight and give him a break. The humidifier was bone dry when I got up this morning - that could have caused the nose congestion and noise. Better yet, I'll make sure the humidifier is full enough for the night and if the snoring starts up and bothers Ed again - I'll go sleep in Charles' room. The guest room is cluttered with the closet season change still.

The 10:30 a.m. Zumba second class went better. At least, I can remember laughing when I made mistakes and smiling. I met a woman 'Carol' who was very slowly talking, processing and moving. She kept with the class as she was able. My guess is she had a stroke or brain injury. I haven't met anyone who has had E.C.T. - that thought just occurred to me. She talked and interacted with me and the other women. The only other way I can describe her is "blank."

So, I worked up a change your clothes sweat and felt good endorphin release.

Home until a 2:45 p.m appointment with the podiatrist - which I made certain was on an cell phone appointment alarm. The office is going from paper to computer, so it's a bit slow. The podiatrist is a nice woman - when I told her that my shoes and orthotic weren't feeling supportive - well, the shoes were from 2010 (She wants athletic shoes changed every six months. Right.) and the orthotics were dated 2009 - she wants them changed annually. My last appointment that I had for a routine check up in February was good - no changes were made - so I have worn them down in the past 3 months? New orthotics and walking shoes "Dr. Comfort" sports shoes are ordered. One of the few things I can get in my foot width that fits. EE women's wide.

And that's about it. I refilled the wild bird, finch, and hummingbird feeders. It felt like a complement that a hummer visited by the time I looked out the kitchen sink window. Ed's at a colonel's retirement dinner in a local hamburger bar food restaurant. The General didn't want to go to the 94th Aerosquadron as planned. I just hope Ed eats before he loads up on beer. There's the big downfall - drinking before eating on an empty stomach - that's what I did when I met him - but he doesn't get sick. The dinner is set for 6:30 p.m. so he should be home before 9.

It's 8 p.m. right now, so I'll start getting ready for bed soon. I'm trying, but my life sure is boring. I probably just need a good night's sleep.

It's only Wednesday

Helvetica - haven't used this font before - so what the heck.

I wish I could say this morning started well, but it didn't.

Last night, after Dancing With The Stars, despite best efforts, I did not settle down to sleep. So, I slept on the sofa and one of my pillows last night until Ed gave me the "Up and at 'em!" No kidding! Not a gentle wake up, considering the hypnotics, and going back to sleep upstairs. And then, he realizes I'm not alert and wobble-ly and offers to escort me up the fifteen stairs to our room. I don't know if it was an medication absorption issue, but I have rules after Ambien - no e-mails, on line shopping and absolutely, no driving until the full eight hours for the medication to be cleared out of my system. I have a gut feeling that if there was an emergency, adrenaline would take me to full consciousness. But I don't know if I would remember details.

Then, my nightmare arrived about 7:30 a.m. It woke me frightened and trembling and feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest and pounding. A horror dream. Symbolically, I think it may have been a hodge-podge of everything going on right now. A lot of people in the recreation room of our Virginia house. A happy, healthy, chubby baby but with dark curly hair. I went across the room to a woman in a group with a professional camera. It was then, somehow I was brought back to the baby, sitting in a car seat or Charles' baby bounce seat - they don't make them or encourage their use anymore. The baby had changed to a premie, like our premies, but she was alive - I could see her chest muscles working so hard and full retractions. I looked up to the hallway and yelled to Ed to call 9-1-1 and he began to become simple-minded, dear God - he was drunk! I command screamed at him again to call 9-1-1. I again, don't know why in the dream I was drawn back to the other side of the room to the woman with the dark hair, but I saw a man, standing next to the car seat/ bounce chair recovering up the baby with the blanket I had wrapped her - and me screaming "She's still alive!!!" as if he had decided to cancel the 9-1-1. "She's still alive!!!"

Maybe my brain sent a burst of adrenaline to wake me up out of this nightmare, but physically, I was a wreck. Trembling. Feeling pain in my chest - like my heart had been torn out.

I called Ed at 7:55 a.m. before the meetings started - and tied him up all day. Voice mail. I don't think even ten minutes had passed when he called back. He said, he called immediately not listening to the full message. I was grateful he called - I needed to "touch" someone I loved - family. He couldn't stay on the phone long because of the meetings. Ed doesn't remember his dreams. He doesn't think he dreams. I feel so alone here. He said he would call back later, but for me to try to stick with my routine - coffee - breakfast - Curves. Everything was delayed until I started feeling more calm.

I attach all sorts of dream interpretations to this nightmare. I was looking at duplicate and old photos that didn't make it into an album, but I also found some memorabilia that I had forgotten, but recognized. My hair was dark in the photos, Charles was a baby in many of the photos - all sorts of photos and memories.

Thanks for letting me vent this out.

After I clean part of the kitchen floor tiles, I'll get the aerobic sweat off with a soothing bath and wash out the slick silicone and mousse based hair products that makes my hair feel super oily on day three - yuck! But for two days, I get a sleek, long hair do without the frizzies of humidity. For now, it's worth it, but the male balding areas of my mother's family is becoming thin, and the area of my head that was scalped by my fell-on-the-car- while-I-was-driving tree accident...well, the hair is falling out that grew back. Nuts. This is becoming too much hair work to do - what's left of it. That's life.

Uneventful day so far

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI&feature=share

Things didn't feel very well the other day. On one hand, my son has financial support, devoted parents (not helicopter) who want him to become independent - at least in the decision making department so far. So for about a week, we didn't chat on facebook. The rift between us was unanswered questions about his IFSA and Wabash credits. I stepped in, spoke with significant people and got answers. The nemesis in the mixture "Diego" a man that goes by numerous titles "Director" (He's not - Mario is the IFSA Argentina Director) Registrar, Student adviser was straightened out about his misconceptions - and his incorrect advice with attitude toward my son (and several students of the program) The American Student Adviser for the Study Abroad Program cut right through all the "Diego" bureaucratic red tape (B*** S***) and the entire matter has been settled - God help him if any of his "t"s aren't crossed or his "i"s dotted! There best not be any retaliative behavior - I will personally go face to face if anything is amiss for Charles' senior year or graduation '13.

As I wrote in an earlier post, Charles was "flip" at both Ed and me about this. His behaviors that we were not subjected to during his teens years are definitely coming out now. Come to think of it. Carolyn wasn't a problem until her late teens and our residence changed after her Junior year and Senior. Honest to God, despite everything, I get the feeling that they feel like we're intentionally ruining their lives! (I'm being dramatic here.)

Earlier, I saw that Charles had posted on his facebook page, the You Tube address for Billy Joel's "My Life." (which I've sang enthusiastically when I was in my early 20s, when I was angry at someone.) So I took this post personal.

So as the days passed my anger was subsiding, and sadness increasing. It was a tearful night that I posted the above YouTube address on facebook for the song "Somewhere Out There" sung by Linda Ronstadt and . (His name just slipped my mind.) The lyrics and the song are beautiful. It makes me think of my Mom, and now, Charles.

Within a few minutes, Charles initiated a facebook Chat - "Hi Mom" I asked him if the BJ "My Life" post was meant for anyone. He could tell me, it was me and I'd understand. He answered No reason - just a great song. Upon which I commented that I agreed and sang it much during my 20s, too - with enthusiasm.

Yesterday, he chatted to us that he got his VISA. Two hours like DMV time. He responded to my ? if he brought a book to read. Nope. He was just spending the time "staring at people." Good grief.

So now that communications are restored, my Charles blues are easing up.

Carolyn is Carolyn, and I'm going to just have to accept her as she is. I feel we deserve better from her - but it is what it is.

Last evening was the final episode of HOUSE and was broadcast up against Dancing With the Stars. Hopefully, I'll get to watch DWTS on-demand later. The DWTS line up didn't impress me in the beginning but it grew on me. I'm predicting that William and Cheryl will win - equally as good as the other two in the finals, but William is popular eye candy for the masses right now. I like Don the SuperBowl star of the group and Katherine. So I won't be disappointed no matter who wins or loses.

I gave Zumba another two shots #5 and #6 at Curves. I noticed that the instructor didn't keep in time with the Latin Dance rhythms - more with a 4/4 count when it should have been 3/4 time. I take the classes two at a time - two one-half hour classes. Staff and the instructor tell me I'm doing really well for a beginner, but I graded myself a "C." I get endorphins out of the effort which helps me feel better.

Last night Weight Watchers I've lost another 0.8 lbs. So I've almost made up for the gain I had two weeks in a row due to food math errors.

Stopped by my podiatrist's office and made an appointment for a shoe fit and orthotic check. I don't feel the support I need and the neuroma in my right foot is complaining. It just happens to be the time of year I'm barefoot or sandals more than I should be, too.

Grocery store and home for tuna fish on Sandwich thin Kroger buns. The buns (2 points) are like two bottom halves of hamburger burgers put together. Pepperidge Farms has a version, too. Desert was vanilla Activia and Mandarin Oranges in fruit juice (no syrup.)

Going to go through another photo box from the almost finished purging of the back room.

Gotta go - Miss Melonie Little Paws is cry-meowing like she's lost. She no longer looks like a rotund meatloaf. Since Mister Christofur died, she has lost lbs. down to where she was when we adopted her. It's probably hyperthyroidism, but at 19 years old - we are not going to put a high strung but gentle cat through surgery or radiation and God knows, she won't let us paste or pill her, which has contrary side effects too. The Vet isn't going to be happy with us, but this feels like the right course to go.

I hope the stupid people in this world are behaving better - sooner would be better than later but that's another rock and a hard place.

Ache

This morning, I had a no-alarm 6:30 a.m. wake up. Beautiful sunny day, but a bit cooler.

Yesterday, chatting with Charles before a class, he types that he will talk to us tonight. O-hhhh! I asked him about mid-terms. Good except the one class which was half-way through when he "had" to take it/Diego and IFSA. Results aren't in yet. It's about Argentina's present history (There's an oxymoron for you!) "States policy." Now, Charles is a global news junkie, like his father. He didn't think it would be a problem catching up. Well, still unable to find the books for the class bibliography. No word from Wabash if they approved the course for credits - which doesn't matter to them as long as he does well in the other 3 approved classes. He's set for the Fall. Apparently, "Diego" the I.F.S.A. ("...self-entitled a**h-l*") who Charles reports has had an attitude from the beginning as a Registrar - Student Studies - persists.

Ed and I have both asked Charles if he has followed through with both I.F.S.A. Argentina and Wabash advisers about the issues. Urged him to talk to both. Told him he had to talk with both!

Before the evening chat, I spoke with an Assistant Director for the Argentine American Students in Indianapolis, Indianna. She was able to pull up Charles' courses. I expressed my concerns about would there be any implications worse case scenario. Yes, it's possible that unless he is a full-time student 15-16 credits minimum. It may affect his VISA, his student loans, and potentially his scholarship. I tried to speak with the Wabash College Adviser for Study Abroad but after 4 p.m. everyone has left for the day on this college campus.

No one called back as promised, today.

Ed answered Charles instant message facebook chat later, and seemed quite la-di-da and cheerful. This isn't unusual for something to be awful but just fine later. It's the parental roller-coaster and the child who wants to be independent, but keeps sc*wing up. He's a good kid, an excellent student, but Gawd - he can drive both of us krazy! So finally, as we have asked him several times, and he circles the question without an answer to personally contact both the IFSA and Wabash Advisers in person and by email. I was on the computer at this time typing responses for Ed.

This was when the college student got as we would say "flip" with his mother.

Trying to make heads or tails in facts about this situation consumed more than 3 hours of my time, my stress, and my heart. Never mind the attempted mugging on Saturday!

It felt like a slap in the face, and I ended my involvement in the conversation. I said some prime expetives, slammed both my elbows and wrist against wall in our MBR. Honestly, I wasn't being a drama queen - it just hurt so bad, and I felt angy - I hurt myself but nothing broke (as far as I know - tender spots).

Part of the reason why I tried to get the facts from both sides today was to be prepared for presentation with answers for Ed. Ed reacts in extremes when it comes to both Carolyn & Charles. I was trying to pre-empt a ballistic response. I did - but now, after the "flip" remark, I didn't handle it well. I never expected my son to hurt me like this.

Part of the problem is how both our kids have had better support both financially and emotionally than Ed or I ever had. It takes work to re-focus back to current day reality and the little monsters we create.

Ed finished the conversation and was satisfied that he got Charles to send all the emails Spanish and American to help sort this out.

I took a full-dose and a half of Xanax and got ready for bed.

I woke early, so I was able to get a shower and breakfast before the 20 minute drive to my scheduled Zumba class at Curves. I didn't go on-line with facebook, but I did check for any updates on Synapse Slips and some Soliloquies, and our Outlook email. Received in the In Box, was a running email congenial tet-e-tet (?spelling)between Charles, his Wabash Adviser, and the Argentine Diego. With my high school, hospital classes and self-taught Spanish - it wasn't hard to get their meaning. It seems like Diego now understands Wabash's expectations and is agreeable being confronted by Wabash Adviser about the credit situation.

I'm sorry this has taken so long to explain - I probably should have just wrote an algorithm. My worst fear is that Charles becomes ineligible for his senior year, affect his student loans,which Ed pays while he is in school so he won't have any debt upon graduation. We did the same for Carolyn but grad school was on her.) and his $20,000/year Wabash President's Scholarship which he was awarded before choosing Wabash. Carolyn lost her $2,000/year scholarship falling below the required GPA.) and we paid extra for summer school. Charles doesn't have the option of summer school.

In my despair moments, I feel like my kidz drain the blood out of me.

Enough.

Zumba class is getting up to speed still, but I'm told I am doing very well - and I appreciate the endorphin boost from the aerobic energy. Pat - you could do this class and have fun with it. It works all the muscle groups to a Latin beat and songs in Spanish. I follow it up with another circuit of the Curves machines and stretching required afterwards. I was never an athlete and this feels really good. You can see Zumba classes on You Tube. It's also nice to talk to someone besides myself in the day time.

Anyway, I am trying to prevent an emotional crash and burn for me.

I lost another pound at Weight Watchers on Monday evening, which is great! because for the last two weeks between calculation errors and the bowl of Greek Chicken and Orzo soup (sodium!!!) which caused my ankles to blow up with pitting edema up the calves I had gained back 4 pounds of the 11 I had lost and I felt a bit depressed. I'm back on track. ☺

I hope your therapy session went well and the counselor has more insight to share. I believe just being to vent your feelings about everything and everyone with someone who is objective and you trust is the biggest benefit out of talk therapy.

Keep talking and posting and putting videos up. Best wishes to Dick - a big "Hi, Dick!" from both Ed and me. I hope he'll feel up to singing again.

Ed is home and cutting up some of the lawn to keep ahead of it. He has planted two flats of yellow marigold and some shade hosta to fill some holes in our landscape. He gets up and down on his knees with my garden cushion mat than I do!

As far as Charles goes - I'll let Ed handle this situation from here out. I'm not going to have another stressed out evening like yesterday, if I can help it! B-R-E-A-T-H-E and back to Curves tomorrow.

It could have been worse.

On Mother's Day, I found out on facebook, that my son was almost robbed by a tag team, and God knows what else would have happened, as he was walking alone on Saturday night in Buenos Aires.

Turning on the lap top, isn't the first thing I do in the morning.

Especially, Sunday morning, so after I had coffee and watched CBS Sunday morning, I was going back upstairs to get cleaned up and dressed.

I noticed the laptop wasn't on. Odd for Ed. I turned it on; opened facebook and Skype; and turned up the sound just in case Charles popped up in chat. I had asked him on Saturday if maybe we could SKYPE on Sunday, but I didn't expect it thinking there would be too much traffic for SKYPE because it was Mother's Day.

Before I was done "connecting," Charles popped up on facebook chat and made a comment about thieves. "What thieves?!" I wrote back; immediately, I went to his facebook page. "Ladrones" even Ed who doesn't speak any Spanish looked it up and figured it out. I video called Charles immediately by SKYPE. It was not the conversation I was expecting on Mother's Day. Charles and I were able to SKYPE with a decent connection for about a half-hour. I didn't ask a lot of questions. The basic Who-What-When-Where and Why questions.

He agreed and accepted the fact when I told him he broke the #1 rule - walking alone in the city at night - foreigner or no foreigner. He made himself a target. I could have blasted into orbit. But, I realize the futility in getting hysterical about this. I stayed calmed and parental but obviously upset. Probably the shock of the event and what could have happened. It was already history. Done.

Charles said all the right things.

Typical.

He agrees with you when confronted what he did was wrong.

You don't argue with an angry and upset Mom.

I ended the discussion with "You're all right and that is what is important and matters most to me."

We got back on track about Mother's Day and talked Mom and son stuff.

Ed knew about all this before I was awake. Ed was on facebook playing farmville before I woke up. He saw Charles' status update. Ed tried to cover it up by deleting messages between Charles and him and shut down the laptop. He didn't want me upset on Mother's Day. He made the mistake of not telling Charles - who has a Catholic conscience - and would never be a successful criminal. The truth comes out.

I asked Ed, of the cities I knew, what Buenos Aires was most like - "New York city."

I'm sorry I was going to write more detail about this, but I find myself becoming upset.

I must have been blown into functioning shock yesterday.

 

 

Quiet House

Well, just me and the house is really quiet. 

Ed has already called home, today.  The rain has stopped in Philadelphia, but the applicant interviews for an acquisition position haven't been good so far.  There's still a half-day to go. 

Ed told me he slept well for once on the hotel bed.  Huh?  Ed usually sleeps well.  Now, he tells me that no, he usually has one wake-up during the night in hotels.  All these years - who knew? 

It odd how the wake-ups go.  Sometimes, a wake up just needs a bathroom visit, or repositioning and no big deal.  But the wake ups that aren't easy - and can't get back to sleep - only get a 15 minute chance by me.  Tossing and turning is more aggravating and frustrating.  I guess that's easy for me to say now since I don't have a job to go work.

I think he's just feeling cranky with the interviews not going well and the weather.

Charles chatted with me when I was on-line.  He's in the midst of mid-term exams now.  There are times when he makes comments or posts that worry me. (Then don't read them, right?) I have to phrase my questions just right so he doesn't hear the worry.  His answers are reassuring.  For example: he FB chats that he is "exhausted" - which his Mom the nurse wants to clarify, but not sound like she's worried.  Exhausted as in studying exhausted, sleep deprived exhausted, emotional fatigue exhaustion? and the list goes on.   Then, it occured to me that it's Autumn down there.  So is it seasonal, light deficient exhaustion?  I over think and over interpret language.  The elements of sound and body language missing makes the interpretation harder.

It's too quiet in this house.

My brother and I are seasonal light affected.  But he self-medicates with the meds prescribed as he will.  Me, I don't want to even take a chance meddling or changing my meds - the weather affects my mood.  I have to remind myself of that and make allowances to feel better. 

My brother's self-medicating reminds me of how my parents never took their (or our) medications incorrectly - always saving a penicillin capsule for just-in-case.  If there ever was a case for developing antibiotic resistance, this would be it!

If I save any medication for later - it's usually a pain medication that was over prescribed.  Now, this makes sense to me because they are p.r.n. medications.  Not required doses for effectiveness like depression meds, or antibiotics etc. 

Boring.  Sorry about that.

 

The dryer alarm signal just gave its final warning. 

 

Where's the Ark???

Yesterday afternoon, we had a thunderstorm which passed within a half-hour.

I was at a WW meeting and near the end of the half-hour lecture, when thundering started. Power blinked off and on in this basement all-purpose room with casement windows. Evacuation was swift.

The drive home (less than 3 miles) - the lightning and thunder was about once every 2-3 minutes and big drop but not pouring rain. I took a chance and stopped at the CVS for a few personal care items: CeraVe PM facial lotion (it's probably the same as the AM facial lotion minus the UVA screen), CeraVe facial cleanser, CeraVe heavy moisturing cream (tub) for my feet, knees and elbows. I've been using Ed's touch-up razor for shaving - finally got the Venus replacement razors (Crikee! How expensive!) and shaving gel.

I was lucky that the real storm held off until I arrived home. Ed was making himself a cheeseburger, offered me one which I politely declined, and I had a Lean Cuisine mac n' cheese. I try to limit the hamburger to once a week. Ed makes real yummy quarter pounders. A very long, heavy rain and thunderstorm kicked off our sump pump and all the local news/weather stations for warnings, watches and possible flash floods. (Not us - we live a the "High Point" area of Franklin County.

By "Smash," the storm had calmed down but the rain continued.

A really loud/heavy thunderstorm was predicted around 2:30 a.m. this morning. Ed and I slept through it if there was one.

I am having a PJ/Bathrobe morning until 11 before I go to Curves for my daily exercise, followed by a "spa" manicure done with "Shellac" that resists chips and peels and lasts longer. Now that we finally have sandal weather again - time to do the toes and heels at 12:30.

Yesterday afternoon, I printed/scanned to jpg/added about a dozen 1920-30-40s photographs of my Spanish family back to my Great-Great-Grandfather on my Grandmother's paternal branch. Every now and then, my Uncle Oscar will send a photo by email, but he doesn't jpg it. So, I have to copy, paste, print and scan to the jpg files for posting. I don't know the story of how my Uncle Oscar has possession of so many photographs. I had a few that my Grandmom Diaz gave to me, after Grandpop died in 1978 of her family, a portrait photo when she was 15 and two of their wedding portrait photos.

Other members of our family tree members on Ancestry.com researching have added a few of the photos relevant to them. This is good - keeping photos completely to one family member, with today's technology, isn't right. Before it was the expense and processing of copies.

Our H/P Printer for photos is better than the original photos.

I like my friend's Pat collection of photos and videos, which is a visual time-line. Her videos with audio record voices I know will be treasured by her Grandchildren.

Not that I want Grandchildren right now, if there are to be any grandchildren - my best hope is that they arrive when they are wanted and well provided.

I was feeling lonely the other day and wondered if we would be living reasonably near our children or any of "my" family.

I think Ed's comment that we might not be able to afford moving after he retires due to the economy provoked thinking about this subject and feeling vulnerable - no choice, again.

First it was, we had to move because of ever increasing property taxes - (benefit excellent schools and good neighborhoods). Now, it seems like we are in limbo - but financially able to live in the manner we have.

It's confusing to me. I have to take into account if he has had any beer, because he can become very pessimistic and morose about just anything when he's under ETOH influence. Hopefully the sober financial status updates are as he says, good and not based on life insurance (that's a bad Ed joke).

Need to get going here. Pat I don't know what I would do without your blog company. The lonely feeling will pass, Ed's flying to PHL for a few days and he will be welcomed back for a "long" Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday off weekend. I think Ed will be the only one to remember Mother's Day for me - Carolyn will be working (as usual) - and Charles is more aware of S. American celebrations at the moment. Oh, dear. I am sliding into the gray abyss - pulling myself out right now!